1. "In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student.... LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, the greatest teacher of all time.'"
2. "In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory-women can't drive."
3. "This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay."
4. "Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks."
5. "The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."
6. "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now going by just 'The Artist.' Despite this, I will still refer to him as, 'The Fruit.' "
7. "Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."
8. "Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, accordingto a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. [Crowd groans.] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you? [Laughter] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."
9. "Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."
10. "The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."
11. "A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been
trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.' "
13. "Christopher Reeve recently said that while he was recovering from his accident in the hospital, the comedy of Robin Williams convinced him to go on living. Meanwhile, the comedy of Pauly Shore made him long for the sweet release death would bring."
14. "Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were
mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this
story: Hammer has an entourage!"
15. "Magic Johnson has received a $900 000 retainer to write a book on
how not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me.
~*~
Heh heh...